


Happy Birthday

by TheFireWithin



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Not Serious, The Master and River fight over the Doctor, but they keep bickering, he just wants a happy birthday, its exhausting, just a funny little story, kinda crackish really, to his chagrin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-22 23:57:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11391081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFireWithin/pseuds/TheFireWithin
Summary: “Ah… perhaps I should make introductions.”  The Doctor’s eyes flicked rapidly between the two, a mixture of fear and delight.  “Master, this is—““River Song, his wife.”  River finished for him, eyes not leaving the Master.  “Half Time Lord, sole purpose was to destroy the Doctor—but we fell in love and I married him instead.”“Ahem.. yes.”  Face red, the Doctor glanced at the Master before continuing.  “And River, this is—““I’m the Master,” he interrupted, pulling himself to his full height.  “Time Lord, the closest thing to an equal the Doctor has—though I am slightly better.  We were best friends growing up.”  His tone was only slightly suggestive.





	1. Chapter 1

There was a knock on the TARDIS door, surprising the Doctor. He glanced at the screen above the console, scowling half-heartedly as he headed to the door. 

“You could be nice and work today, you know. I’m not big on surprises, today at least,” he complained as he opened the door, freezing once he saw who was waiting. “… Master?”

“Clearly, who else could it be?” He eyed the Doctor as he pushed past him, shoving a parcel into his arms. “Happy Birthday, and all that.”

The Doctor watched as he leaned against a pillar. “You remembered.”

“Of course I did, idiot. I figured you’d leave your pets at home, so you could ignore today and sulk. How many cakes has the TARDIS made that you’ve tossed out today?”

“She only made one. And I haven’t touched it, thank you.”

“So you haven’t eaten it. Might as well, I’m sure it’s a fine cake.”

“You know there’s no point in celebrating every birthday we have; it’s ridiculous.”

“Well, I’m here now, and I say we celebrate. I did get you a gift, after all. And I want cake.”

The Doctor grinned at him. “Well, then, thank you. I suppose we will—You’re not going to try and kill me, are you?”

“No, idiot. I just wanted to…. Forget it, this was a ridiculous idea.” He tried to leave, but the Doctor grabbed his arm. 

“No, I’m sorry. Stay, please?”

The Master’s face reddened slightly, but he nodded. “Fine… but I’m getting the first piece of cake.”

The Doctor quickly agreed, eyeing the door as another knock sounded. “You… you didn’t bring anyone, did you?”

“Why on Gallifrey would I bring anyone? This was just supposed to be us.” He grumbled as the Doctor opened the door. 

“Hello, Sweetie.” River smiled as she handed him a gift bag. “And happy birthday.”

“You told her?!” The Master glared at the two of them. “What even is she?”

“She is part Time Lord, and she has a name.” River eyed him, unimpressed. “River Song.”

“Boring. As you can see, the Doctor already has company, so thanks, but no thanks.” The Master attempted to slam the door in her face, but the Doctor stopped him, letting her in.

“Ah… perhaps I should make introductions.” The Doctor’s eyes flicked rapidly between the two, a mixture of fear and delight. “Master, this is—“

“River Song, his wife.” River finished for him, eyes not leaving the Master. “Half Time Lord, sole purpose was to destroy the Doctor—but we fell in love and I married him instead.”

“Ahem.. yes.” Face red, the Doctor glanced at the Master before continuing. “And River, this is—“

“I’m the Master,” he interrupted, pulling himself to his full height. “Time Lord, the closest thing to an equal the Doctor has—though I am slightly better. We were best friends growing up.” His tone was only slightly suggestive.

The Doctor tried to talk, but River stepped closer to the Master, ignoring him. “Oh? Funny, he never mentioned you. Must be… complicated between the two of you.”

“Well, I have tried to kill him a time or two, but who hasn’t?”

“Oh, I have. More times than you, I’m sure.”

The Master laughed. “I highly doubt that, Girl Freak. And he’s forgiven me each time.”

The Doctor forced himself between the two of them, voice higher than usual. “You know what would be fun? Gifts!” He lifted the presents up slightly, giving them a small shake. “I should open them, right?”

River grinned sweetly. “Mine perhaps shouldn’t be opened in… mixed company.” 

The Master’s face darkened as the Doctor reddened slightly. “Mine is fine…the card is in Gallifreyan, so it’s not like anyone else could read it anyway.” He glared at River. “And I know you’ll like what I got you, because I know what you actually enjoy.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” River asked, pushing the Doctor aside.

“Oh, don’t be too upset. You can’t know him as well as me, you’re only human—mostly, anyway.”

“Know him?!” River barked a short laugh. “I married the man!”

“I’ve known him for centuries!”

“He told me his name!”

“You think he didn’t me? The same night I told him mine!”

“He taught me to fly the TARDIS!”

“I took lessons with him! We piloted together!”

“I gave up my remaining regenerations to save him!”

“I was his first kiss!”

At this, River turned to the Doctor. “Oh?”

“Well…yes! And?”

“And…was it nice, your kiss?” She asked him coolly.

The Doctor’s eyes darted between the two of them, face bright red. “I… it was…” He jumped as there was yet another knock at the door. “Oh! Someone’s here! Let me just… get that..” He pulled away, racing to the door and yanking it open.

“I heard a rumour that it was your birthday.” Jack Harkniss grinned as he handed the Doctor a brightly colored package. “So I thought I’d pop in.”

“Wonderful.” The Doctor said weakly, stepping aside and letting him in. “You already know River and the Master, no killing, please.”

“The Missus and the Ex, huh?” Jack said teasingly. “Must be fun for you.”

“Ex?” River asked, raising an eyebrow. “I hope you know this isn’t the time for your little jokes, Jack.”

“And what makes you think he’s joking?” The Master asked her. 

River turned back to the Doctor. “He mentioned a wife or two, but not you.”

“Of course not, I was his favorite. You know he rarely talks about his past, especially what he thinks would upset you.” He took a step closer to her, grinning. “And knowing how close we were? Very upsetting, I’d think.”

“HEY!” The Doctor shoved the gifts in Jack’s arms, before stepping between River and the Master, pushing them away from each other. “You lot came here for my birthday! And this is Not Fun! Now act right, or you can leave!”

“Fine!” The Master snapped, heading for the door. “As if I want to be surrounded by your little fan club, anyway!”

The Doctor watched him, hurt. When he spoke, his voice was low. “…. I’d much rather you stay.”

The Master froze, halfway out the door. “… Why?”

“You’re the one who convinced me to celebrate today.” He tried to smile. “Besides, who else will eat all that cake?”

After a few long moments, the Master closed the door with a sigh, walking back towards them. “I hate you.”

“But you’re here.” The Doctor’s grin immediately became more genuine. “Now, please, be nice.”

The Master glanced at River, then kissed him softly on the cheek. “This nice enough for you?”

“Stop that.” The Doctor’s voice was sharp. “No trying to upset River.” He turned to River. “And you don’t try to upset him, either.”

“Of course not, Sweetie.” River smiled, taking his hand. “Now, gifts first, or cake?”

He gave a small sigh, glancing at the Master. “… Cake.”

 

After cake, which went relatively smoothly, everyone returned to the console room, where the Doctor sat down, reaching for a gift. 

“Open mine first.” The Master said, nudging a plain-looking parcel towards him. 

The Doctor picked up Jack’s gift, opening it carefully, revealing a silver, cufflike bracelet. “Jack, tell me this isn’t what I think it is.”

“I thought you’d like it. Took it from the Archives, you know.”

“… Irydeen?”

“Quiltorean, actually. It detects the species of the user, so the shock it emits will be enough to pain the wearer without causing them permanent harm.”

“Fancy.” The Master said. “Quiltorean lie-detector.”

“Not exactly.” River interjected. “It does sense when the wearer is dishonest, but it’s more complex than your typical ‘lie detector.’ “

“Maybe for you.” The Master snorted. “I’ve been hooked up to enough to know what’s good and what isn’t… This one, it’s good. Painful, but useful.”

The Doctor set it down, nodding. “Ah… thank you, Jack. Thoughtful.” He reached for another gift, pausing, glancing between the two. “…. Jack, why don’t you pick the one I open next?”

Jack shrugged, handing him the plain-looking parcel, which the Doctor carefully opened, revealing a card and an orb, which swirled with golden dust.

The Doctor gasped, holding the orb carefully. “Where did… how did..?”

“Read the card, idiot.” The Master glared at the floor, face red.

The Doctor read the card, smiling softly. “…Thank you.”

Jack frowned. “What is it? I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“None of your business!” The Master snapped.

“It’s alright, Master. It’s a toy from when we were children. Bit hard to explain what it does, but… it was my favorite.” He slipped the orb into his pocket, reaching for the gift bag.

“Happy birthday, Sweetie,” River said, smiling as he opened it, revealing a small length of fabric.

“A bow tie?” the Doctor asked, frowning slightly. “It feels… odd.”

“It’s made of a rare material on Rytian, therocite. Heats up when you’re in danger.”

“Ah, that explains it.” He set the bow tie down, shaking his hand slightly.

“He’s allergic to therocite, idiot!” The Master gloated. “If he wore it, he’d get killed!”

“Well…. itchy, anyway.” The Doctor said, wiping his hand on his trousers. “Besides, it’s a very nice gift.”

“Not as good as mine!” The Master grinned. “Mine’s fun, and won’t kill anyone!”

River glared at him. “That’s not all, Sweetie. I was thinking we could go out tonight, just the two of us.”

“He can’t.” The Master said. “We have plans.”

“We do?” The Doctor asked.

“Doesn’t seem like it.” River said, seeming smug. 

“Or we could hang out.” Jack said, winking at the Doctor.

“Oh, not you, too,” he groaned, leaning back in his seat, covering his face with his hands.

“He likes me more.” The Master said to River.

“Doubtful, I am his wife, you know.”

“Keep saying that, and you’ll be his dead wife.”

“No she won’t!” The Doctor shouted, unmoving.

“He’d never bring himself to hurt me.” The Master added with a small smile.

“Congratulations, you’re on the same level as a Sontarun.” River said coolly. “He hates killing, you know that.”

“And he loves me, more than anything.”

“Oh? Then why hasn’t he so much as mentioned you before?”

“Not like he’s ever mentioned you, either. You’re not that special, you know.”

“Really? That’s not what it felt like when he shared his name with me.”

“Cute. When we told each other our names, we spent the entire day together. We snogged.”

“I’m his wife, you idiot. You think we haven’t?”

“We kissed, too.” Jack added helpfully. “Wasn’t half bad.”

“…. Who did you think was better?” The Master asked, pulling the Doctor’s hands from his face.

“You know, I’m curious about this, too.” River said, watching him.

“Can’t you two behave?”

“We are. I’m just asking you a question.” The Master said innocently. “Aren’t you going to answer me?”

“Oh, you can add my kiss into the question, too.” Jack said, grinning.

The Doctor groaned. “I’m going to bed. Don’t touch the controls.”

“Bed? Is that an—“

“No!”

The Master turned to River.

“That was clearly meant for you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A second chapter? What can I say, my hand slipped.

Jack reclined in the chair, watching amusedly as River and the Master eyed each other from opposite sides of the console room. “So, is this tension going to lead anywhere? And if so, can I join in? I did give myself the entire day off, after all.”

“Shut it, Freak.” The Master snarled, leaning against a pillar, arms crossed.

“With him? I’d rather be with a Cyberman.” River laughed from the console, eyes cold.

“Really?” The Master glared at her. “I’m rather good with Cybermen, I can get you one, if you’re that interested.”

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly. The Doctor would worry, after all.”

“He’d get over it.” The Master said flippantly. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already seen you die.”

“I do think I’d be able to tell, you know.”

“Do you? He saw me die. Held me in his arms, even. Next time we met, it was as if it never happened.” The Master glared at the ground. “Begged me to regenerate, when I died.”

“…Did he kill you?” River asked curiously, looking up at him.

“Of course not, he’d never… It was my wife.”

“You had a wife? I’m surprised you never killed her.”

“No, just beat her up from time to time.” Jack interjected. “Now me, he killed. Hundreds of times, actually.”

“You’re still on that?! Move on, already.” The Master rolled his eyes. “It’s not like you stayed dead, anyway.”

“Still hurt like hell.” Jack grumbled.

“When, exactly, did all this happen?” River asked. “How come I’ve never heard about it?”

“Because it never happened.” The Master said. “Well, most of it. Me being killed definitely happened. But him dying—didn’t even happen. So he shouldn’t be upset.” He said pointedly, looking at Jack.

“And yet, I still clearly remember the Year of Saxon. Worst year of my life—and that’s including when I was buried alive for centuries.”

The Master grinned, eyes flashing darkly. “Then it was worth everything being undone. But to answer your question, River, the Doctor undid the entire year, but my wife, who remembered, decided she’d had enough of me, and…” he made a gun with his fingers. “Bang.”

“Yet here you are.” Jack said, sounding only slightly bitter. “Why are you here, anyway?”

He shrugged. “It’s his birthday, where else would I be?”

“Since when do you care about birthdays?”

“Well, it’s not like the idiot ever really celebrates. Not since we turned fifty-two. That’s when he decided birthdays were frivolous. Just like every other moron in the Academy,” he grumbled, eyes glued to the ground. 

“…What was the gift you gave him?” River asked softly. “The orb?”

“None of your business!” The Master snapped.

“Oh, must be personal.” Jack said, grinning.

“It’s just… a toy! From when we were children. Boring one, too. Never knew why he was so fascinated with it.”

“What does it do?” River asked. 

The Master was silent for a long moment before responding. “It’s a sort of hologram. You toss it into the air, and it projects a landscape. You have a certain amount of time to figure out what’s wrong with the planet or whatever. Like I said, boring. The only thing you can really program even is the interface system. And whatever face you give, it’s still an annoying know-it-all.”

“Doesn’t sound like much of game.” Jack said.

“It is. It can even get difficult at times. It was his favorite growing up, but the instructors at the Academy only gave us a few hours a week of game play. So I pinched it for him one day.” The Master smiled slightly, eyes far away. “He was so happy—definitely worth the punishment of stealing.”

“What was the punishment?” River asked him.

The Master snapped back to reality, eyes dark. “None of your damn business, Girl Freak.”

“That bad?”

“That much NONE of your BUSINESS!” The Master headed towards her, face dark.

“Doctor! Your boyfriend’s about to kill your wife!” Jack shouted, stepping in front of River.

“I think I can handle myself, thanks.” River said, reaching into her pocket, pointing a sonic gun at the Master. “Want to apologize?”

“Never,” he hissed, pulling out his sonic laser, aiming it towards her.

“Really?!” Jack asked, exasperated. “Do you really think the Doctor would be okay with either of you—is that my gun?” He turned to River. “Is that my sonic gun?”

“No idea, I found it here and took it.” River shrugged. “Mine now, anyway.”

“You can’t just steal my gun!”

“Technically, the Doctor stole it from you, I stole it from him.”

The Master hissed, dropping his laser and gripping his head. “I’m not, okay?! Cut it out!”

“What?”

“Not you! The Doctor!” He scowled, closing his eyes for a moment before relaxing. “Jack’s shouting prompted a warning from him. Apparently, we’re not allowed to kill each other.” He picked his laser up, pocketing it with a glare.

“Poor you.” River said dryly. “Must be torture.”

“You’ve no idea,” he scowled, tapping on the TARDIS console with a four-beat rhythm. “Everything in me wants to kill you.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because he asked me not to. So… I won’t. Today, anyway.”

“Remind me to thank him later.” River grinned. “Privately.”

“He just admitted to wanting to kill you—do you honestly want to antagonize him right now?” Jack asked. “Do you want to die?”

“I don’t care.” The Master said.

“Really?”

He shrugged, his tapping rhythm getting faster. “But both of you should shut up, unless you want me to kill you.”

Jack nodded to River, who silently left the room.

“Master?” Jack asked softly. “How bad is it?”

“Shut. Up.”

River returned moments later, the Doctor close behind.

“Master?”

“I said SHUT IT!” he yelled, whirling around.

The Doctor took a small step back, hands raised. “It’s just me… how bad is it?”

“I… nothing. Not. It’s fine.” The Master took a step back, shaking his head. “I’m fine. You can go hide again.”

The Doctor reached out a hand, brushing the Master’s face. 

“Don’t touch me!” he snarled, stepping back, but not before the Doctor stumbled backwards, eyes wide.

“Rassilon, are they that loud to you?”

“….Louder. Happy?

“No. Of course not. How can I help?”

“You can’t. Okay? It’s not possible. Not like you ever cared before, anyway.”

“Never cared? You never told me, not until this face. Your face, that is.” He reached out a hand again, but the Master flinched away.

“I said not to touch me!” He took several steps away, glancing at the door.

“Okay, okay. No one’s going to, okay?” The Doctor said, voice calm. “Just… stay. I.. the TARDIS. She’s probably helping more than you know.”

“Maybe I should leave,” River said quietly.

“No! I… you stay, too. Please.” The Doctor’s eyes flickered between River and the Master, panicked. “Both of you, stay. Just… just for a little bit longer. Please.”

“Well, I’ve got nowhere to go,” Jack joked, prompting a weak grin from the Doctor, his eyes still on River and the Master.

“Fine! I’ll stay—but don’t leave me with them again!” The Master said angrily. “It gets too loud without you!”

The Doctor nodded, turning to River, who smiled sadly. “I’ll be here as long as you want me, Doctor. You know that.”

“Wonderful!” The Doctor gave a relieved laugh, pulling her into a hug. “Absolutely wonderful.”

“Hey, where’s my hug?” Jack asked, standing up. 

The Doctor gave a short laugh but obliged, grinning. “But don’t expect anything more, you won’t get it.”

The Master glared at them, arms crossed tightly across his chest. 

The Doctor looked over at him. “Still don’t want me to touch you?”

“Just… just stay out of my head, alright?” he said, walking over to him.

“Of course,” the Doctor said, pulling him into a tight hug, politely ignoring how much the Master was shaking while he held him.

After a few moments, the Master pulled away, pointedly avoiding meeting everyone’s eyes. “… That was only because it’s your birthday, you know.”

“Oh, of course.” The Doctor nodded, hiding a small grin. “Two gifts from you in one day—lucky me.”

“Oh, shut up,” he scowled, face red. “Besides, I’ve missed the last few hundred.”

“Doesn’t matter—you’re here now. You all are.” The Doctor smiled, looking at everyone. “So… anywhere anyone wants to go?”

“It’s your birthday, Sweetie.” River pointed out. “You should choose.”

After a few moments, the Doctor grinned. “We should go to this lovely restaurant in Belstaff, nineteenth century. Dancing, good food—and the owner owes me a favour.”

“Well, then, we’ll go.” River smiled. “I’ll even be your date.”

The Master scowled. “And what makes you think he’d—“

“Oh, my! You two aren’t even dressed for it!” The Doctor said quickly. “Why don’t you go find something to wear, and I’ll take us there. You know where the wardrobe is.”

River and the Master nodded, bickering quietly as they walked off.

“So… who are you going to dance with?” Jack asked. “You know, some say I’m—“

“Oh, don’t start! You, I’ll leave.” The Doctor said as the TARDIS took off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it doesn't look like this is finished after all. Maybe I'll add another chapter or two.. what do you think?


End file.
